My housemates have left on their vacations. Its nice to have the house to myself for a bit. I'm going into the city today for a wine tasting.
Last night I watched the Killing Fields, which I had had never seen before. It was an interesting movie about the genocide that took place in Cambodia between 1975 and 1979 in which 20% of the Cambodian population perished. Watching it made me think about some of the research I did last semester for my Foundations of SE Asian Culture class. We spent a while on Cambodia and read some things that implied that this genocide was brought about by the Khmer Rouge (a rather small political party that incited the rural peoples to slaughter the urbanites). It is theorized that they incited a "class grudge" based on a cultural model of disproportionate revenge. Rather than explain what thats about, I think the famous tale of Tum Teav sums it up quite nicely. As I don't have the time to go into that right now, you can search for it online or I'll tell you later! Time for wine.
Saturday, March 26, 2005
Thursday, March 24, 2005
Despair
Today was a bad day. I am depressed. The real official kind. The kind that doesn't make any sense in my head. Sure there are some things that might bum me out a bit, but the way I feel about them is magnified beyond anything I can fathom when its not there. My stomach slips, my body tightens up, I feel so empty. Despair is on the right track, but its not strong enough to describe how I feel tonight. I drank a couple glasses of wine and one beer. I suspect that contributed for the worse this time. I've been having an increasing number of anxiety attacks since I ran out of Zoloft. It was ok for a little while, but I'm feeling pretty screwed now. I've asked a number of people to send me some, but I no longer believe that will happen. One of the big issues is how unreliable almost everyone I encounter in my life is. I am so protective of who I trust and who I offer any respect because I must be. People don't think like I do and I am also at least partially aware that my expectations of people are a bit high. But I can't help this. I try so hard, but I always lose. If I tell someone I'm going to do something, I must do it because if I don't it will eat away at me. Sometimes of course, I promise to do something thinking I can best my anxiety and it doesn't work out. In these cases I feel like scum and don't know how to explain myself to the promisee.
When I first left the States, I had an idea that I would be forgotten on some level. Even though I was loved and accepted in that particular scene of my life, once you step out of the picture, you become just a fleeting memory to most. I know this, but I don't necessarily agree with it. I don't forget anybody. I'm not great at contacting people, but a lot of that is from anxiety. I do get around to contacting most of the people whom I should. One of the most important things in my existence is that I matter to others. I often despise this weak pattern of thought and wish I could rid myself of it. However, I also recognize it as an occasional strength. I don't give my trust easily.
I've been sick more than half of the time I've been here. Fatigued, fevers, headaches. I feel like I've been hit with an avalanche in the past 10 days or so. I am at a loss for what to do. I'm on vacation now. I try to study, but its much harder when I'm in this state of mind. Everyone goes away and I will hide in my room for most of the time. I don't even feel a loss at not travelling like everyone else because I KNOW that it would be more painful for me to put myself in any of those situations. So perhaps I'm not just hiding for my own sake, but for the sake of the handful of people here that I am fond of.
I could go on. I wish I could enlighten some of you as to what its like to be me. These are just words. If you've never had a mango and I try to describe it to you, at best you will have an abstract idea of what it tastes like. Ah well.
I hope someday in my lifetime we will achieve a better understanding of how the brain works. It can be such a curse sometimes. Its been so long since I've sunk this low. Help me.
When I first left the States, I had an idea that I would be forgotten on some level. Even though I was loved and accepted in that particular scene of my life, once you step out of the picture, you become just a fleeting memory to most. I know this, but I don't necessarily agree with it. I don't forget anybody. I'm not great at contacting people, but a lot of that is from anxiety. I do get around to contacting most of the people whom I should. One of the most important things in my existence is that I matter to others. I often despise this weak pattern of thought and wish I could rid myself of it. However, I also recognize it as an occasional strength. I don't give my trust easily.
I've been sick more than half of the time I've been here. Fatigued, fevers, headaches. I feel like I've been hit with an avalanche in the past 10 days or so. I am at a loss for what to do. I'm on vacation now. I try to study, but its much harder when I'm in this state of mind. Everyone goes away and I will hide in my room for most of the time. I don't even feel a loss at not travelling like everyone else because I KNOW that it would be more painful for me to put myself in any of those situations. So perhaps I'm not just hiding for my own sake, but for the sake of the handful of people here that I am fond of.
I could go on. I wish I could enlighten some of you as to what its like to be me. These are just words. If you've never had a mango and I try to describe it to you, at best you will have an abstract idea of what it tastes like. Ah well.
I hope someday in my lifetime we will achieve a better understanding of how the brain works. It can be such a curse sometimes. Its been so long since I've sunk this low. Help me.
Boring Update and New-Old Picture
Well I woke up at 7 am again today. I studied a bit and did some homework as well as watching 3 hours of The Sopranos. I got some stuff done, but I didn't feel like it was very productive. I did add in a bunch of new sentences in program for Indonesian.
There is an international club bbq or something at school tonight. I'm gonna go check it out, though I'm not a member. Also, this evening there is some sort of costume/kegger party at the International House. I don't know much about that, but we'll see what happens.
They might harrass me for putting up this picture, but I kind of like it. This was from that Mystery Bus Tour a while back.
Jada, me, Ayuu
There is an international club bbq or something at school tonight. I'm gonna go check it out, though I'm not a member. Also, this evening there is some sort of costume/kegger party at the International House. I don't know much about that, but we'll see what happens.
They might harrass me for putting up this picture, but I kind of like it. This was from that Mystery Bus Tour a while back.
Jada, me, Ayuu
Wednesday, March 23, 2005
Stuff that Goes On
I've had a few days of bloggers-block, but I'm going to try to squeeze out a few sentences today.
First up, my doctors appointment was cancelled. I skipped two classes today so I could get things done before it and that turned out to be a bad idea. Apparantly, they called me numerous times and left me voice mails. I certainly didn't receive any voice mails else I probably wouldn't have shown up for the appointment. Right?
Being that I am sort of hooked on the idea of the free stuff now and I am also dying for a digital camera, I have decided to put a link up to one of the free camera offers I'm trying for also. Free Camera and of course while I'm at it, I should probably put up the free ipod shuffle link. As for the status on that one, I have 1 sign-up under me and three referrals so far. I need 3 sign ups.
I am drunk. There isn't any getting around it. I went outside to go to the gym for exercise and there was a crowd of people getting ready for the weekly Wed at Einstein's (campus bar) which is usually open until midnight on Wednesdays. It was fun. On the way there I saw a creature that I was unable to identify climb a tree not unlike a squirrel. But it was huge! I have absolutely no idea what it was, but it was bigger than a cat and its head was very small. Any suggestions? It moved like a squirrel, but I've never seen anything like it. Anyways, there was karaoke at the cmapus bar and I was quite tempted, but it didn't happen. The singers were really bad for the most part. We took a few pics when we got back, but since everyone is going away (I'm off of school for 13 days), I probably won't get a hold of those pictures anytime soon. I'll try though.
There is a guy from Norway here who has lent me an obscent amount of DVDs to tide me over during the break. I have in tow, the first 4 seasons of The Sopranos, 1 and 2 of The Simposons, 1 and 2 of The X-files (14 dvds), as well as the following movies: Donnie Darko, 28th Hour, Big Trouble in Little China (a classic!), Lolita, The Killing Fields, Blood Work, Rabbit Proof Fence, Akira, and The Bridge on the River Kwai. Also, Max Payne 1 and 2 and Medal of Honor. These should keep me busy for the holiday! Thanks Morton!!
I have a bunch of new pictures, but I'm too bombed to put them up along with any interesting comments. Tomorrow should work out better.
First up, my doctors appointment was cancelled. I skipped two classes today so I could get things done before it and that turned out to be a bad idea. Apparantly, they called me numerous times and left me voice mails. I certainly didn't receive any voice mails else I probably wouldn't have shown up for the appointment. Right?
Being that I am sort of hooked on the idea of the free stuff now and I am also dying for a digital camera, I have decided to put a link up to one of the free camera offers I'm trying for also. Free Camera and of course while I'm at it, I should probably put up the free ipod shuffle link. As for the status on that one, I have 1 sign-up under me and three referrals so far. I need 3 sign ups.
I am drunk. There isn't any getting around it. I went outside to go to the gym for exercise and there was a crowd of people getting ready for the weekly Wed at Einstein's (campus bar) which is usually open until midnight on Wednesdays. It was fun. On the way there I saw a creature that I was unable to identify climb a tree not unlike a squirrel. But it was huge! I have absolutely no idea what it was, but it was bigger than a cat and its head was very small. Any suggestions? It moved like a squirrel, but I've never seen anything like it. Anyways, there was karaoke at the cmapus bar and I was quite tempted, but it didn't happen. The singers were really bad for the most part. We took a few pics when we got back, but since everyone is going away (I'm off of school for 13 days), I probably won't get a hold of those pictures anytime soon. I'll try though.
There is a guy from Norway here who has lent me an obscent amount of DVDs to tide me over during the break. I have in tow, the first 4 seasons of The Sopranos, 1 and 2 of The Simposons, 1 and 2 of The X-files (14 dvds), as well as the following movies: Donnie Darko, 28th Hour, Big Trouble in Little China (a classic!), Lolita, The Killing Fields, Blood Work, Rabbit Proof Fence, Akira, and The Bridge on the River Kwai. Also, Max Payne 1 and 2 and Medal of Honor. These should keep me busy for the holiday! Thanks Morton!!
I have a bunch of new pictures, but I'm too bombed to put them up along with any interesting comments. Tomorrow should work out better.
Saturday, March 19, 2005
Free Ipod Shuffle Reminder - Movie Bash - Haircut - Langauge Stuff
First off, I will remind everyone about the fairly good chance of me getting a free ipod shuffle. I've had one sign-up already. That leaves two more. I'd appreciated if you guys would at least check out the offers to see if there isn't something you would at least consider signing up for to help me out. Not all of them require any cash.
I went to the city last night. It wasn't very fun and I don't see any reason to complain past that (surprised?). I've managed to spend $80 in two days and I haven't really done anything. Only $7 was for beer! I did get my first Australian haircut. When I got back from the mall, there were balloons everywhere as well as a big "congratulations" banner. I asked what it was about and it seems that one of my house mates, Dan, proposed to his girlfriend while they were away this weekend. Congratulations is in order as she said yes. I am very much out of the loop with the Americans here hehe. Ah well, they are missing out.
I saw Be Cool today. Being the sequel to Get Shorty, I guess I wasn't expecting very much. Thats probably for the best because it wasn't very good. It was one of those movies where you pay a bunch of famous people to hang out with each other and acting stupid for a month or two. Waste of money. Even more annoying than Oceans 12. It did have a few funny parts, but they weren't worth the pile of crap that they surfaced from.
fugacious - adjective:
-Lasting but a short time; fleeting.
Fugacious is derived from a Latin root, some of which you are likely familliar. The words it was used for in Latin relate to fleeing, or one who flees. In English we use fugitive and fugue (a musical 'flight')
I don't know where to apply for the job of "Wordator", but I think I could do better than fugacious. How about fugalicious? fugarific? fugatorium?
I may have found another Japanese club which involves pubs rather than a meeting room. I think this would be considerably more helpful considering my anxiety problems. Speaking of which, I was considering elaborating on the specifics of my condition. Would anybody be interested in this?
Ok, as most of you probably don't know, I use a program called V-Train for learning vocabulary and sentence structures. Basically, its flashcard software that gives you almost complete freedom in how you want to set it up while taking care of some of the more complicated aspects. It tracks the scheduling. All you gotta do is put in the cards. This is of course quite a bit of work in the beginning. If anyone gets interested in this and wants to use some of my flashcard decks, do let me know. I'd be happy to save you some work. In my decks, I have translation of sentences going both ways, kanji reading, writing, Thai spelling, romanized Chinese to Chinese charactars, German phrases, Indonesian, romanized Arabic (since I can't really type yet), and much more. I have about 1600 cards split among various decks with around 1200 of those considered 'learned' are very close to being learned. I've been kind of lazy about it lately, but tonight I put in a pile of Eng to Jap translations for me to learn. Heres a few examples of how I set it up.
I'll have a sentence on the left (visible) side of the card. Such as, "It looks cold outside." Then on the other side I'd have the Japanese (or whatever language) translation of this(外は寒そうです）. Usually I stick to the general idea or thought that I want to express rather than a literal translation. Sometimes I'll use literal words as hints for me to remember the format in the other language. I find this pattern very useful for helping me subconciously sort out the differences between intransitive and transitive verbs in Japanese. Rather than memorize both forms of all the words, I find it much more effective to learn them through use. And by forcing myself to learn how to translate them fairly quickly, once I've used it once or twice, it sticks without having to translate it again. This is one of my many language-learning tricks. Memorization is boring. And reading something than trying to use it in conversation is ninja-monkey difficult. The trick with this stuff is to just do it 5-10 minutes twice a day. And if your so stressed/tired/lazy/bored/whatever that you can't handle that(somedays I can't process information so well so I can't even last 5 min), 2-3 minutes twice a day will still take you far. Thats all I can go into for now. Jeez, if I had the time and money I would buy this damn software company and beef up their software so its perfect! I'd hire native speakers of both sexes so that you could record sound files spoken by native speakers to all the words and phrases (you can record sound files or add pictures as it stands now, but good luck trying to find native speakers of 8 languages who are willing to sit around and record 1600 words/phrases for you)into a delightful mix of learning. One of the problems I had with pimsleur is that its only one or two people speaking everything. If you had the same word/phrase recorded by 10 or so people and the particular voice you heard changed all the time, you'd never get attached to any particular accent or intonation (for some languages) and it would give you a better chance of absorbing the listening ability for a wider variety of situations. I think I'm getting a bit complicated and I don't want to make any of my posts too hard to read, so I will stop there. Or rather I will post a funny picture next to lighten things up. Good luck!
I'll never understand golf.
I went to the city last night. It wasn't very fun and I don't see any reason to complain past that (surprised?). I've managed to spend $80 in two days and I haven't really done anything. Only $7 was for beer! I did get my first Australian haircut. When I got back from the mall, there were balloons everywhere as well as a big "congratulations" banner. I asked what it was about and it seems that one of my house mates, Dan, proposed to his girlfriend while they were away this weekend. Congratulations is in order as she said yes. I am very much out of the loop with the Americans here hehe. Ah well, they are missing out.
I saw Be Cool today. Being the sequel to Get Shorty, I guess I wasn't expecting very much. Thats probably for the best because it wasn't very good. It was one of those movies where you pay a bunch of famous people to hang out with each other and acting stupid for a month or two. Waste of money. Even more annoying than Oceans 12. It did have a few funny parts, but they weren't worth the pile of crap that they surfaced from.
fugacious - adjective:
-Lasting but a short time; fleeting.
Fugacious is derived from a Latin root, some of which you are likely familliar. The words it was used for in Latin relate to fleeing, or one who flees. In English we use fugitive and fugue (a musical 'flight')
I don't know where to apply for the job of "Wordator", but I think I could do better than fugacious. How about fugalicious? fugarific? fugatorium?
I may have found another Japanese club which involves pubs rather than a meeting room. I think this would be considerably more helpful considering my anxiety problems. Speaking of which, I was considering elaborating on the specifics of my condition. Would anybody be interested in this?
Ok, as most of you probably don't know, I use a program called V-Train for learning vocabulary and sentence structures. Basically, its flashcard software that gives you almost complete freedom in how you want to set it up while taking care of some of the more complicated aspects. It tracks the scheduling. All you gotta do is put in the cards. This is of course quite a bit of work in the beginning. If anyone gets interested in this and wants to use some of my flashcard decks, do let me know. I'd be happy to save you some work. In my decks, I have translation of sentences going both ways, kanji reading, writing, Thai spelling, romanized Chinese to Chinese charactars, German phrases, Indonesian, romanized Arabic (since I can't really type yet), and much more. I have about 1600 cards split among various decks with around 1200 of those considered 'learned' are very close to being learned. I've been kind of lazy about it lately, but tonight I put in a pile of Eng to Jap translations for me to learn. Heres a few examples of how I set it up.
I'll have a sentence on the left (visible) side of the card. Such as, "It looks cold outside." Then on the other side I'd have the Japanese (or whatever language) translation of this(外は寒そうです）. Usually I stick to the general idea or thought that I want to express rather than a literal translation. Sometimes I'll use literal words as hints for me to remember the format in the other language. I find this pattern very useful for helping me subconciously sort out the differences between intransitive and transitive verbs in Japanese. Rather than memorize both forms of all the words, I find it much more effective to learn them through use. And by forcing myself to learn how to translate them fairly quickly, once I've used it once or twice, it sticks without having to translate it again. This is one of my many language-learning tricks. Memorization is boring. And reading something than trying to use it in conversation is ninja-monkey difficult. The trick with this stuff is to just do it 5-10 minutes twice a day. And if your so stressed/tired/lazy/bored/whatever that you can't handle that(somedays I can't process information so well so I can't even last 5 min), 2-3 minutes twice a day will still take you far. Thats all I can go into for now. Jeez, if I had the time and money I would buy this damn software company and beef up their software so its perfect! I'd hire native speakers of both sexes so that you could record sound files spoken by native speakers to all the words and phrases (you can record sound files or add pictures as it stands now, but good luck trying to find native speakers of 8 languages who are willing to sit around and record 1600 words/phrases for you)into a delightful mix of learning. One of the problems I had with pimsleur is that its only one or two people speaking everything. If you had the same word/phrase recorded by 10 or so people and the particular voice you heard changed all the time, you'd never get attached to any particular accent or intonation (for some languages) and it would give you a better chance of absorbing the listening ability for a wider variety of situations. I think I'm getting a bit complicated and I don't want to make any of my posts too hard to read, so I will stop there. Or rather I will post a funny picture next to lighten things up. Good luck!
I'll never understand golf.
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