The gym girl Nut has me all depressed. I was sitting at my usual spot because I have to translate this one page and I have tons of Korean homework and I wanted to study a little bit. I saw her walk out with this Australian guy who also goes to the gym and is nice enough but kind of annoying as he is always asking/interrupting my work- out to ask me Thai questions.
My mood just sunk into pretty heavy depression so I took an extra zoloft hoping to stave it off, but I couldn't do anymore work/studying so I went home and had a beer and watched the latest Heroes episode hoping that would distract me enough. It didn't really so I pressed the rounded edge of toenail clippers deep into the flesh between my fingers and eventually the inside of my elbow to get my mind out of that state. I haven't done that in a long time, but it helps. Even as that mode kicks in I know I will get over it and I know I'm freaking out over something thats probably nothing, but whether I am so conditioned to react to that kind of situation or if the seratonin levels in me are just so screwed up I couldn't say, but my little strategies do manage to at least reduce the potential for me to kill myself/someone else. Neither is even remotely likely, but they arise very strongly for a few moments until I can stop them.
Meanwhile, Ann (the sorda x-gf) keeps coming around and though its Valentine's Day, sometimes I really want to finish with her for good. I don't know how to do it and I don't know if I can do it today, but I am not sure if I can be in this relationship anymore. I just want to be alone for a few days and then possibly go out again for a couple weeks to get my self-esteem back to where it was a couple of weeks ago. I think I know how to do it now anyways.
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