Love vs Obsession

Ok - This post may get a little strange. I'm having a bit of a crisis, but I'm not as worried as i was an hour ago. In fact, even though I've had a couple beers and a brisk walk to calm me down since the trouble began, I'm still stressed a little bit.

You see, I'm a bit sensitive about certain things. Firstly, I would say this applies to any acquaintance of mine, of which I am at least slightly fond of, whom I view as either defenseless or not terribly interested in/and or aware of how they can defend themselves in any given situation. I don't like to argue for myself much, perhaps because thats what I did for the entire first 20 years or so of my life. Secondly, I am very defensive of my close friends and girlfriend(s). Having said that, I must make it clear that I am even more sensitive about things that directly prod my sense of self. While people outside my sphere of acquaintance don't generally apply except on rare instances, the opinios of people within those boundaries and their opinions have great value in my psyche. I would like to expand on this line of thought longer, but its best if I get back towards the title. I felt it was necessary to give my reader(s) a basic idea of how I view relationships.

As for love, I hold the partial belief that I have been in love 5 times. I'm tempted to name them, but maybe thats not a good idea. T-Y-P-N-L should be enough for those who know me. This is not to say that I haven't gone berserk over other girls before. Like when I sunburned NN into my back when I was a severely depressed 13-yr-old fat kid madly obsessed with a girl who I'd never spoken with in my class. But I seperated her and other similar feelings from these 5 and called it love.

This year, for the first time, I started to think about my feelings toward these people and what that meant. What is love? If this is love, why does it always make me miserable? This line of thinking begins to point me in another direction.

I'm starting to think that the word 'love' is just crap. The way I view a person is based on a number of factors. These would be based on my intentions with them as well as my expectations of them as acquaintances/friends. When I look back about the 5 girls I've supposedly loved, I'm left to wonder what that really meant.

Ok, I have been drinking a little. However, these are things I think about and really want to discuss, but writing this kind of stuff when I'm completly sober is absurd. Heh, its absurd when I'm drinking also I suppose. No worries!

Tonight, Lia seemed to be acting a bit strange. I've seen her like this a couple times. She gets like this when angry or upset. She doesn't let negative emotions out easily. We had a really nice day. She came to meet me quite late, but I adjusted the plans rather than stress about it. We went and saw The Machinist, and then went to my place where she made dinner and such. It was very nice, but still a bit different than the past few days. Looking back on the evening now, the possibility exists that it began as a misunderstanding. I'm not too sure. It was getting late so I walked her to the tram. Neither of us said a word. It felt very awkward for me, but I didn't know what to say. I had started to get a little angry, as she never tells me if something is bothering her and I have to drag it out of her. Perhaps I overreacted, but while we were on the bench waiting for her tram, at one point in frustration, I left out an exlamation in Korean, which I had learned recently and seen used repeatedly in a war movie I watched the night before. It is a swear word that can be used for numerous English equivlants. I meant it in the manner of "oh Sht, this situation sucks" - or something like that. She took it as "F-You!". And I fear that may be the end of Lia. When it first hit me how seriously she was taking the situation, I almost cried a bit. But I've trained myself against such things. If I truly love someone, I can let them go. If its a misunderstanding, I can only do my best to make that clear to them before moving on. If I call/msg her a lot and bother her to come back,maybe its just obsession? I'm not sure. I may write more on this soon. Of course, I might not. Now I should give sleep a chance and I'll find out soon enough if I am returning to Thailand single or not. I'll be alright either way. Don't worry about me. It is a bit sad to lose a 'keeper', but at the same time, there is something to be said with my emotional state at the moment. I know everything will be ok. Its not going to kill or ruin me in any permanent way. I no longer live in the past or the future. Only the present really matters.