Despair

Today was a bad day. I am depressed. The real official kind. The kind that doesn't make any sense in my head. Sure there are some things that might bum me out a bit, but the way I feel about them is magnified beyond anything I can fathom when its not there. My stomach slips, my body tightens up, I feel so empty. Despair is on the right track, but its not strong enough to describe how I feel tonight. I drank a couple glasses of wine and one beer. I suspect that contributed for the worse this time. I've been having an increasing number of anxiety attacks since I ran out of Zoloft. It was ok for a little while, but I'm feeling pretty screwed now. I've asked a number of people to send me some, but I no longer believe that will happen. One of the big issues is how unreliable almost everyone I encounter in my life is. I am so protective of who I trust and who I offer any respect because I must be. People don't think like I do and I am also at least partially aware that my expectations of people are a bit high. But I can't help this. I try so hard, but I always lose. If I tell someone I'm going to do something, I must do it because if I don't it will eat away at me. Sometimes of course, I promise to do something thinking I can best my anxiety and it doesn't work out. In these cases I feel like scum and don't know how to explain myself to the promisee.

When I first left the States, I had an idea that I would be forgotten on some level. Even though I was loved and accepted in that particular scene of my life, once you step out of the picture, you become just a fleeting memory to most. I know this, but I don't necessarily agree with it. I don't forget anybody. I'm not great at contacting people, but a lot of that is from anxiety. I do get around to contacting most of the people whom I should. One of the most important things in my existence is that I matter to others. I often despise this weak pattern of thought and wish I could rid myself of it. However, I also recognize it as an occasional strength. I don't give my trust easily.

I've been sick more than half of the time I've been here. Fatigued, fevers, headaches. I feel like I've been hit with an avalanche in the past 10 days or so. I am at a loss for what to do. I'm on vacation now. I try to study, but its much harder when I'm in this state of mind. Everyone goes away and I will hide in my room for most of the time. I don't even feel a loss at not travelling like everyone else because I KNOW that it would be more painful for me to put myself in any of those situations. So perhaps I'm not just hiding for my own sake, but for the sake of the handful of people here that I am fond of.

I could go on. I wish I could enlighten some of you as to what its like to be me. These are just words. If you've never had a mango and I try to describe it to you, at best you will have an abstract idea of what it tastes like. Ah well.

I hope someday in my lifetime we will achieve a better understanding of how the brain works. It can be such a curse sometimes. Its been so long since I've sunk this low. Help me.